Hello. I am watching you. Through your window. Yes, you heard me right…your window. No, don’t turn around! You just turned around, didn’t you? Well, in the time it took you to turn around and look out your window, I climbed onto your roof! Ha! What are you going to do now, eh? All that you can do is watch me communicate with you from your computer. Computers are so nice, aren’t they? You can talk to someone from anywhere in the world – New Zealand, Ireland…your roof!!!

Actually, I’ve been back at your window for about a minute though. Ah, you looked! How many times do I have to tell you not to look? I’m back on the roof again, you silly thing. I really wish you would just listen to me and stop trying to catch a glimpse of me. I’m tiring of all this exercise.

So you’re going to cooperate now, eh? Okay, then. Where was I? Oh yes. I’m watching you through your window. How did I get to your window, since you’re on the third floor? Obviously I flew. No, no wait…obviously I have the powers of Spiderman. Yes, Spiderman. I can climb walls. Quite spooky, isn’t it? Okay no, the first one was true. I can fly. It’s quite nice that I’m able to fly, since I have no legs! NO, DON’T LOOK!!

You made me go to your roof again. You’re just like all the others – Always trying to look around after I tell you the no legs thing. You all just want to look at the flying thing that has no legs! To hell with you.

Okay, I’m back at your window. Hopefully now you’ll be reasonable and stop trying to look at me. It’s hopeless, really…I’m too fast for you! Ha!

I see you rolling your eyes at all this text that is just showing up on your computer screen. Oh yes, you would just love to turn away and go get a snack or watch TV or something, but you just can’t tear your eyes away from my greatness. Admit it. Stop rolling your eyes. STOP. Excuse me…what are you doing? You’ve got your hand on the mouse and you’re moving the arrow towards the minimize button! How dare you! NNOOO!

…You may not be paying any attention to me, but don’t you think I’m not watching. I can see you perfectly well in that stupid chat room. Paying a visit to all your little homies, eh? Well I tell you, you little…uhm…mortal…soon I’ll be your only homie!! Get out of that chat room right now! I demand your full attention!

Not going to cooperate, are you? Well, fine. You’ll come back to me eventually. I know you’re just dying to look at this and see if I’m still talking to you. Any second now you’re going to close the chat room and look at this again. Any second…1…2…3…oh fine, be that way. But don’t you think for a second I’m not going to leave. I can wait here all day, you know. There’s not much to do when you’re a flying thing with no legs. Did I tell you I don’t have legs? Oh, yes…yes I did.

Hmm, still in the little chat room, are you? I’m not bored yet. Nope.

…Not bored yet.

…Not even close…

…I could go for hours. Days, even.

…Yup…

…Every night in my dreams…I see you…I feeeeeel you…

AH, YOU’RE BACK! Hahaha, I told you I would wait! You doubted me…you’re laughing at me! I don’t appreciate that, you know. By the gods, your laugh is so ugly! Stop laughing! That is not acceptable! Don’t make me do…bad things…to…your body. What? You doubt me? You doubt the great powers of Thing With No Legs?! Well I’ll show you, pathetic mortal human being. Doubting me just because you’ve never heard of me before…you know why that is? Those who have heard of me never live to tell the story of…me!

Now you want to know the story of me, don’t you? Oh yes you do. Don’t you shake your head at me. You want to know the story.

I had legs once, oh yes. And those legs had feet…and those feet had toes. And those toes had toenails. Isn’t it odd that toenails are made of dead skin? Oh...your aren't? Well isn't that strange. Mine are. But that doesn't matter right now. So yes, I had legs with feet and toes and toenails made of dead skin, and they were quite wondrous. The best legs with feet and toes and toenails made of dead skin in all the land. You don’t need to know which land. That information is superfluous. They won awards, I tell you. But there are those who are jealous of people with such appendages…and those people are named Thing With Very Nice Legs With Feet With And Toes And Toenails Made Of Dead Skin. But while his were just “very nice”, mine were the best!

You think you know where this is going. You think he cut off my legs. Well you’re WRONG! One day I was very hungry and decided to try something a little different, okay? Is that so horrible? Oh, and about the flying…I could always do that. Nice, huh?